10 steps Backwards

“I know now that there is no one thing that is true -- it is all true”

- Ernest Hemingway

So here it is, there is always that one guy (or girl).

You know that someone who can be shitty to you, do shitty things to you, make you cry, hurt you and melt your heart into a million pieces in a bad way, but then that is also that same person that made you laugh, made you smile, at some point made your heart flutter, they made you feel so alive that you forget everything shitty they have ever done to you.

For me that’s S.

S is the shitty, amazing guy who after 4 years can still muzzle his way into my ice block that before I was thrown into the real world was an heart. S was that guy who can just look at me and

I would forget who I’ am (I admit I still do that).

Sure he's not a model and some people wonder "why?" but that doesn't matter they don't have that bond that S and I have, S and I have always been strange when it comes to each other to one we can be appear to be cold towards each other never really showing affection but that's how we have always been even we did like each other and it was obvious. 

To be honest S and I are not affectionate people we don't act lovey dovey in public, we do kiss, we do cuddle,but its more of the company that we share, I like having him around even when he is being a asshole (85% of the time).

We can go months or in this case a year and still rotate back to each other, usually I'm the stubborn one who refuses to budge but once S gets out that car that drove literally about 50 miles to see me (we live an hour apart) and walks towards me to hug me, its over, I cant push him away.  

And here I'm at work about to risk it all just to see him for a few seconds. You know why because fuck my heart that refuses to listen to my mind, my heart is beating way too fast I should let S go, I know he has a GF, I mean I think he likes her, but why is it when S gets high or drunk why am I the first person he runs too? (he does this even when he's sober, I have found that he does this) I mean he seriously drives miles to see me, only to tease me, avoid talking about past and have no sex (seriously it took us two years to even get to third base and it was because I practically made him man up!)

So am I?

I’m Reject, a twenty something who blends in a city of lovers, dreamers, haters, fighters and struggler's, we all want something, we all to feel something we all someone to love us, even if it means risking it all.

So here is the deal this is a non judgement blog, we’re all human, we all make mistakes, read mine and totally feel free to roll your eyes and say “amen sister I feel you” or say “WHAT THE FUCK NO NO NO run run run!” either way read my mistakes and understand.

I'm a girl in her twenties trying to understand how to navigate life right I may not get it right sometimes but that's OK, I'm here to learn I’m here for you to laugh at me, cry with me and understand.

But here it is I’m Reject nice to meet you.